Reader Asks Abby About Gifts That End Up Resold Online

A reader identified as Generous Friend in the East wrote to Abigail Van Buren, who writes the Dear Abby column, to ask whether she has a right to be upset after gifts she bought for a friend's children appeared online for sale. The reader described buying gifts at the request of a friend named Mara, whose husband Matt has been friends with the reader's husband since preschool. The two families grew closer after both had children. The reader has five children; Mara and Matt have two, one of whom is autistic.

For birthdays and Christmas, the reader and Mara exchange lists of what their children would like. Alongside toys and books, Mara often requests expensive sensory items for her autistic son, including a $90 memory foam chair, which the reader said she buys while rolling her eyes. The reader's husband does not see a problem with the requests, so the family buys additional gifts for Mara's other child so both children receive equal treatment.

Within a few months of giving the gifts, the reader said she has repeatedly seen them listed for sale online. The listings included pajamas with the tags still on, a $50 plastic climbing dome, and an expensive race car track that Mara specifically asked her for. The reader said she could understand if the children had used the gifts for a while before losing interest, but the ads described the items as brand-new and never used.

When the reader raised the matter with her husband, he was a little peeved at first. After it happened again, he brushed it off, suggesting Mara may have asked multiple people for the same gift and ended up with two of the same thing. The reader asked whether she should stick to gift cards from now on.

Van Buren responded that the reader has a right to be upset about the effort spent purchasing the gifts, and asked whether Mara might be selling them because she needs the money. Van Buren added that giving gift cards to spend on the children might leave the reader feeling less peeved, but said there is no guarantee that is how the money would be used.

In a separate entry, a reader identified as Wanting to Be Respectful asked about a comment made at a wake service. The reader hugged the wife of the deceased, expressed sorrow for her loss, and after the widow thanked the reader for coming, replied, "I wouldn't have missed this." The reader later wondered whether the response sounded flip.

Van Buren wrote that wakes, visitations, and funerals are emotional events where minor gaffes and social awkwardness are common, and said the widow understands no disrespect was meant. For the future, Van Buren suggested saying, "It was important to me to be here for you," and added that a simple, heartfelt compliment to the deceased is always appropriate.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. Jeanne Phillips penned the column for nearly four decades; it was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. The column can be reached at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.