Columnist addresses readers' relationship dilemmas

Abigail Van Buren, the author behind the Dear Abby column, addressed two reader questions in the October 29 edition of the Chicago Sun-Times. The first inquiry came from a 42-year-old woman living in Texas who described a persistent mental habit that has troubled her for several years. The second question was posed by a man in his 60s who sought guidance on a social gesture involving a friend who recently lost his spouse.

The Texas resident, who identified herself as Low Self-Worth in Texas, reported that she has a stable life including a good job, a loving boyfriend of seven years, and a family with grown children and grandchildren. She noted that her relationship with her partner has improved her self-esteem and allowed her to express her feelings openly. Despite these positive developments, she has spent the last couple of years wishing for a car accident or other injury to experience physical pain. She frequently watches highway accidents and thinks that she should have been the one involved, although she does not intend to harm herself or others.

The woman explained that she has avoided discussing this habit with her boyfriend because she fears he will worry that she might hurt herself. She also considered seeking counseling but hesitated due to a fear of being prescribed depression medication or hospitalized. She asked the column for reassurance that her thoughts are normal and that she is not crazy.

Van Buren responded by stating that the reader is not crazy and is in good company. She explained that people who have long struggled with low self-esteem may subconsciously feel they deserve unhappiness. When they find happiness, they may feel they should be punished for it. Van Buren clarified that discussing such feelings with a mental health professional does not typically result in hospitalization. She encouraged the reader to seek help, noting that the feelings can be overcome because the reader is capable of growth.

The second letter came from a man identified as Lonely, who is in his 60s and has known a man for several decades. The man’s wife died a few months ago. The writer asked if it would be inappropriate to send a sympathy card to the grieving man, given that he loves him and they share a history dating back to their 30s.

Van Buren advised that sending a card would be acceptable if the message remained friendly and sympathetic. She warned against trying to rekindle a romantic connection through the gesture. She recommended that the writer avoid making further gestures and wait for the man to initiate a new romantic chapter if he decides he is ready for one.

The column, founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips, has been written by Jeanne Phillips for nearly four decades. The pen name Abigail Van Buren is used for the column's correspondence. Readers can contact the column at www.DearAbby.com or by mail at P.O. Box 270135 in Kansas City, Missouri.