Friend's Hugs Ignite Family Boundary Debate

A dispute over physical affection has split a Cook County family after a grandmother's friend ignored a teenager's preference to shake hands instead of hug. The incident occurred during a recent visit to the grandmother's home in a nearby city. The family's 16-year-old daughter, Missy, positioned herself at the far end of the dining room table to avoid the visitor, Helen. When Helen approached with open arms, Missy extended her hand for a handshake. Helen moved to pull Missy into an embrace, but the teen stepped back and stated, "I don't like to hug." The parents redirected the conversation to end the interaction at the time.

The friction continued after Helen departed. The grandmother criticized Missy for being rude by refusing the hug. The parents explained that they have taught their daughter she possesses bodily autonomy and does not need to hug anyone she does not want to. The parents believe Helen is the one being rude by forcing physical contact on guests. The family visits frequently, so another encounter with Helen is expected soon. Missy has proposed staying away from the house when Helen is next in town. The grandmother is strongly opposed to that solution.

R. Eric Thomas responded to the reader, identified as "No Hugs," in a column published on Friday. He sided with Missy and the parents. Thomas wrote that a hug is a two-person act and that Missy does not have to do anything with her body that she does not want to do. He noted that while Helen and the grandmother may view the hugs as innocuous, Missy does not feel the same way. Thomas suggested there are other ways to show affection that do not involve forced physical contact.

The column advised the parents to discuss the boundary with the grandmother before the next visit. Thomas recommended reminding the grandmother that Missy has set a boundary and that the parents are supporting it. He said the family should talk it out beforehand to reach an understanding. Thomas acknowledged that the grandmother may not like the arrangement, but he argued that respecting Missy's boundary will make it easier for everyone to have a nice time during the visit.

The column also addressed a second letter from a reader called "Hopeless Romantic." That reader described being in 13 situationships and asked if they were stuck in that pattern. Thomas answered that the reader is not alone and suggested changing methods, such as meeting people in person or taking a break from dating apps. He noted that dating has become an exercise in marketing that convinces people the best option is one swipe away.

Thomas closed the column by asking readers for submissions for two upcoming themes. He requested examples of petty grievances or tiny problems that the reader cannot fix. He also asked for "Cold Case Questions," which are past events that seem settled but the reader wants to reconsider. Submissions can be sent to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474 in Philadelphia.